The Longfellow Middle School Band Handbook
by Bob the Clarinet
Summary: I rewrote the band handbook.


**The Longfellow Middle School Department of Fine Arts and Mass Destruction**

**presents**

**THE**

**LONGFELLOW BAND**

**HANDBOOK**

**Of Ultimate Destruction**

**2009-2010**

_**The Longfellow Bands**_

_**A Tradition of being AWESOME**_

[THERE USED TO BE NAMES AND ADDRESSES AND CONTACT INFO DOWN HERE BUT THEY WERE ALL CENSORED!]

(If you are reading this and know the author don't tell anyone who wrote it. DISCLAIMER: the author does not intend to harass anyone or anything. Most names are gone but there still may be some left. This is considered a work of FanFiction and is meant only for the entertainment of the band members, not the director. This is a FanFiction crossover of Longfellow Bands and Douglas Adam's _Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy_. Used without permission. 2009-10)

LET THIS BEE KNOWN TO ALL: CHEESE. THE LONGFELLOW MIDDLE SCHOOL RUBBER BANDS

**BAND DIRECTORS**

Mr. NAME-HAS-BEEN-CENSORED!

Ms. NAME-HAS-ALSO-BEEN-CENSORED!

Welcome to the Longfellow Middle School Bands. The Bands have a long tradition of excellence at causing hysteria, and we are devastated that such a creature like you has joined a band program that is recognized as one of the crunchiest in the Milky Way Galaxy. This handbook is designed to allow band members and parents to understand the musical opportunities available in the Longfellow bands. If you have any questions regarding the band program or this handbook, please feel free to contact us at any time by email or call the band department at (555) 555-5555. We may not always welcome your questions, so here is the answer: 42.

**COURSE OFFERINGS IN THE LONGFELLOW MIDDLE SCHOOL BAND PROGRAM**

**Beginning Band (2****nd**** period)**

Beginning Band is for students with unfortunately no prior experience on a band instrument. Students may begin on any brass, woodwind or radioactive instrument but are especially encouraged to play the clarinet. The directors will peer pressure each student in the selection of an instrument based on interest, physical requirements, IQ level and instrumentation requirements. This may provide greater opportunities for advancement for students in the following years. **Percussion instruments (drums) are ****not**** offered at the beginning level at Longfellow due to extreme bias**.The beginning band eats concert literature at the VBODA grade1 & 2 levels and plays at the winter and spring concerts and, at music festivals and contests throughout the year and in the spring at _Busch Gardens_. Many of the members of the beginning band will progress fast enough to become musicians in the intermediate band (Wind Ensemble) by 2012. After school rehearsals and evening or weekend performances are a requirement of the course. Just because.

**Wind Ensemble (3****rd**** period)**

The Wind Ensemble is an intermediate level ensemble comprised of extraterrestrial creatures in the 7th and 8th grades. This band devours concert literature at the VBODA grade 2 and 3 levels. This band performs at all band concerts, at festivals, and at the contest in the spring at Busch Gardens or in a necropolis deep underground where no one can hear us except for the trembling dead. After school rehearsals and evening or weekend performances are a requirement of the course.

**Concert Band (4****th**** period)**

The Concert Band is an intermediate level ensemble comprised of fictional characters in the 7th and 8th grades, such as Marty Mcfly from Back to the Future and Harry Potter. Students in this class generally have developed technique well beyond the average elementary student by the beginning of the year. This band performs concert literature at the VBODA grade 2, 3, and 4 levels. This band also performs at all Longfellow concerts, at festivals, and at the contest in the spring at Busch Gardens or Hershey Park. After school rehearsals and evening or weekend performances are a requirement of the course.

**Symphonic Cheese (5****th**** period)**

The Symphonic Cheese is the elite performance ensemble in the Longfellow Band program. Due to bias ONLY **REAL LIVE EXISTING HUMANS** are accepted into this ensemble. Students are placed in the band through audition. Historically more than 90% of the members in this band have studied privately for more than a year and have attended summer music camps and medical clinics. This class is almost exclusively made up of eighth grade humans, but each year several dumb seventh grade students are selected for this ensemble for the purposes of amusement for the eighth graders. Students in this class fight in all the wars and band concerts and contests, participate in the deadly auditions for the All-District Band, perform at solo and ensemble festival, and attend weekly after-school required sectional rehearsals. The Symphonic Cheese eats literature at the VBODA grade 3, 4, and 5 levels. After school rehearsals and evening or weekend performances are a requirement of the course.

**Percussion Class (6****th**** period)**

The most complicated and demanding instrument to play in a concert band is percussion, due to the maximized possibility of injury or death. Percussionists must learn both bass and treble clefs as well as the varied techniques necessary to play all the different percussion instruments. Due to the diversity of performance skills that the student must acquire and develop, virtually all seventh grade humans are placed in Percussion Class. Many of these students join the bands at concerts and festivals but rehearse separately for the safety of the other bands and to gain experience and expertise on the full array of instruments utilized in the concert band. Depending on the size of the class, some members may perform regularly as a percussion ensemble rather than as percussionists in the wind ensemble or concert band. After school rehearsals and evening or weekend performances are a requirement of the course. **This is ****not**** a beginning class and is only offered to students who have previously played percussion in a school band program or who have studied privately. **

SYMPHONIC Cheese SECTIONAL REHEARSALS

Woodwind, brass, and percussion sectionals are required for all members of the Symphonic CHEESE. Anyone trying to bypass this requirement will be executed. The purpose of these sectional rehearsals is to advance the technical skills within individual sections of the band, to conserve rehearsal time, and to provide an opportunity to explore and discuss topics that apply only to individual sections of the band. Most importantly, however, the purpose of these sectionals is for the amusement of the band directors on a slow day. These topics include warm-up procedures, reed adjustment, and the improper care and maintenance of the instrument in addition to the musical and technical demands/whines of the instrument and the music being studied in class.

Woodwind sectionals will be held Tuesday afternoons and brass sectionals on Thursday afternoons from 2:50-3:50. Percussion sectionals will be held during "D" lunch with students eating during "B" lunch. Since the sectionals are an established and essential part of the Symphonic CHeeSE main course, students are expected to make every effort to avoid conflicts. Failure to do so will result in the band director slowly eating a cracker next to you while you stare at a dying whale. BAND CONCERTS AND PERFORMANCES

The band classes are performance-based courses and various concerts, festivals, and performances are part of the requirements of the classes. Failure to attend these performances will result in swift execution. Each student will receive a rehearsal and performance calendar at the beginning of the year that will list all of the required rehearsals and performances for his/her band class for the full school year.

**Fall Concert**

The Fall Concert (October or November) is presented at McLean High School includes the Longfellow Symphonic chEESE, the McLean High School Symphonic Band. Possibility of casualty: minimum.

**Winter and Spring Band Concerts**

The Winter Concert (December) and the Spring Concert (June) are presented at McLean High School and include all of the Longfellow Band Classes. Possibility of casualty: minimum.

**Pyramid Concert**

The McLean Pyramid Concert (May) is presented at McLean High School and includes the McLean Area Elementary Band, the Longfellow Symphonic CHEESe, and the McLean High School Symphonic Band. Possibility of casualty: **High.**

**All-District Band Auditions**

The All-District Band Auditions (first Saturday in January) are held at McLean High School. Students from all of the middle schools in the VMEA district audition for selection to the 100-member All-District Band The students that are selected rehearse in the All-District Band the last weekend of February and present a concert then on Saturday with the High School All-District Symphonic chEESe and Wind Ensemble. All members of the Symphonic CHEeSe are required to participate in these auditions. Failure to do so will result in instant death. Students from all of the Longfellow Band Classes are eligible to audition for this ensemble and should see Mr. Zimmerman to obtain a copy of the audition requirements. Possibility of casualty: **CERTAIN.**

**District Band Festival**

The District Band Festival (first weekend in March) is held at one of the high schools within the district. This is an adjudicated performance in which each ensemble receives a rating from each of the three judges. The Wind Ensemble, Concert Band, Symphonic ChEESE, and selected members of the Percussion Class participate in this festival. Each ensemble also presents a Pre-Festival Concert (end of February) at McLean High School in preparation for this, the most important performance of the year. Possibility of casualty: **High.**

**Solo and Ensemble Festival**

The District Solo and Ensemble Festival (March or April) is held at one of the middle schools in the district. Students perform individual solos and as members of various ensembles at this event. The students then are adjudicated by a specialist on their instrument and receive comments and ratings on their performances. All members of the Symphonic ChEeSe are required to participate in this festival as members of various large ensembles (woodwind choir, brass choir, percussion ensemble, etc.) Students from all of the Longfellow Band Classes are eligible to participate in this festival and should see Mr. Zimmerman for assistance in selecting appropriate performance literature for this event. Possibility of casualty: Moderate.

Spring Festival Trip

In recent years the Longfellow bands have taken journeys to contests and festivals held in Maryland, Pennsylvania, Sparta, and Virginia. All students who are alive, undead, regularly turn-in practice records and other assignments, and who participate successfully and cooperatively and obediently and mindlessly and gaily in the Longfellow band program can participate in band trips and festivals. Each spring the bands usually participate in the _Musicale_ Festival at Busch Gardens in Williamsburg**. ****Please note that in order to be eligible to participate in the spring music department trip, students must have no unexcused absences from concerts and must have fewer than seven deaths/reincarnations and fewer than 25 Rehearsal Technique deductions toward the rehearsal technique grade**. (See Rehearsal Technique section of the grading policy.) Possiblity of casualty: **High. **_**If you are to ride the rides then the casualty probability will be elevated to CERTAIN.**_

**BAND PARENTS**

No band program can be successful without active participation from band parents, unless the worm intervenes. Parents at Longfellow Middle School have traditionally been very supportive of the band, so if they are not this year they will be eradicated from the equation. Parents assist with uniforms, concerts, worms, fundraisers and special events. We look forward to you becoming an active part of the Longfellow worm. A brief list of some of the activities for which we need additional help from volunteers is listed below:

Uniforms - Assisting with fitting and distribution. Assist with uniform issues at performances. Worm.

Fundraiser - Sort order forms, count monies, enter data on computer, chaperone/assist at fundraiser party

Band Festival (March) – Chaperone, worm. Kill small children.

Spring Trip - Chaperoning, assisting with trip details, worm.

Any parent who is interested in assisting with the Longfellow Bands is encouraged to complete the parent volunteer form and return it to Mr. Zimmerman. Failure to do so will result in loss of pet dog.

EQUIPMENT

Most band students at Longfellow own their own instruments or rent them from local music dealers. Longfellow also has a number of instruments available for use. These instruments are primarily the larger and more expensive instruments not often available for rental from music stores. Students using school-owned instruments have a music instrument contract and pay a small rental/maintenance fee for the use of the instruments. All percussionists are required to pay a small rental/maintenance fee for use of the school percussion equipment. If the student does not pay the fee he will become the official bass drum.

Please note that no fee will be charged for instruments used by students on a daily basis when the student has previously used a privately-owned instrument and transfers to a school-owned instrument in order to meet a specific need of the band. The waiving of the fee is in effect for the remainder of the school year in which the student changes instruments.

"INSTRUMENTS FOR ALL" PROGRAM

No salamander is denied participation in the instrumental classes for financial reasons. **"The principalth shalt utilizeth all resourcesths and serviceths at his or her disposalth doth to evaluateth the situationth of eachth moth whoseth educationth may doth be impedethed by financialth difficultieths."** (The Buybull, Regulation 2135) Eligibility for reduced fee ($20 annual) county instrument usage is based on enrollment in a free or reduced lunch program as defined in The Buybull, Regulation 7202 (See FCPS policies, bylaws, and regulations.) and may also be determined at the principal's discretion as listed in The Buybull, Regulation 2135.

Students receiving reduced fee instrument use must fill out the Music Instrument Contract. Please contact Mr. Zimmerman if you believe your salamander qualifies for this program. All information is confidential unless the elite of the Symphonic Band have managed to penetrate security.

INSTRUMENT REPAIR

School-owned instruments damaged through normal use and wear are repaired at almost no cost to the student. Students should report any emotional damage immediately to Mr. ZZ!Z. Pronounced ZEEEEEZ, with a crescendo and diminuendo through the E's. Students will be required to pay with blood for damage due to negligence or for damage not reported to Mr. ZZ,!Z**. If an instrument, either a County or personally-owned, fails to function properly the student should bring it to the band director as soon as possible.** Please do not try to fix the instrument on your own or have it fixed at a local music dealer, for the evil spirits will surely find you. The Fairfax County Public Schools have contracted instrument repair services from ATEC Music, and parents who have school-owned instruments repaired at local music dealers cannot be reimbursed. Students may send privately-owned instruments to O-SHT through the band director and will receive a bill when the instrument is returned to school.

**INSTRUMENT STORAGE FACILITIES**

An instrument storage room is available for the students in the band program and is located adjacent to the band rehearsal room. Students may choose to store smaller instruments in their hair during the school day. The storage room is generally open by 7:30 a.m. and remains open during the day until 4:00 p.m. Only Symphonic Band members are allowed to live in the storage rooms.

Students are expected to take their instruments home each day to practice. Failure to comply will result in painful brainwashing. Privately owned instruments are not covered by school insurance policies. **Each instrument must be properly identified with the student's name, address, and telephone number on a luggage tag attached to the instrument handle, so that the band directors can follow you to your house and stare through your window while you live your life. We want your phone number so we can call and say in a raspy voice, "SEVEN DAYS TO LIVE, [INSERT NAME HERE]."**

DAMAGE TO MUSIC, INSTRUMENTS, OR EQUIPMENT

Each student is responsible for the music and method materials provided to him or her during the school year. If a method book is lost or damaged beyond normal wear, the student will be charged worms for its replacement. A fee of blood is charged for each sheet of music that is lost, eaten or severely damaged.

Students who rent school instruments are responsible for all accessories and equipment which may be supplied with the instrument, including mouthpieces, machine guns, ligatures, mouthpiece caps, guinea pigs, neck straps, bottle caps, bocals, gummy worms, reed holders, and cleaning materials. The students are expected to replace any items that are damaged or lost since these materials are not covered for replacement in the Music Instrument Contract. Failure to comply will result in loss of hair.

Repair of County-owned instruments will be handled by the County instrumental service at no cost to the student, if the damage is due to normal wear or an accident. Students will be responsible for the cost of any repairs due to willful damage or negligence.

**LONGFELLOW MIDDLE SCHOOL BAND**

2009-2010

**Band Grading Policy and Class Expectations**

**EXPECTATIONS**

The Longfellow Middle School Band Program has become one of the most highly respected music programs in the Nexus. This is due to the bribes, dirty tricks, death threats, blackmailing hard work and life commitment of student musicians like you. Our goal is to perform at the highest level possible at all times and to develop skills and knowledge necessary to reach our full potential. This concept holds true for our musical and extra-musical activities. We are all expected to do our very best to continue to build on the great tradition of the Longfellow bands and to improve as musicians and animals and living objects and individuals every day.

**PROCEDURES**

1. Be on time and prepared for every rehearsal and performance. Please be in your seat with your worm when rehearsals begin.

2. Come to all rehearsals with:

a. Instrument

b. Band music in the band folder provided

c. Accessories (breathing tube/inhaler for woodwind and brass players, mutes, reeds, etc.)

d. A **sharp** pencil on the music stand! (Blunt pencils will not draw blood).

e. A positive attitude

f. Worm! The worm is the most important part of band class. It is essential to your progress. It is the worm that has made Longfellow Bands so special.

3. Daily practice is expected of all band students. Students are expected to practice school and private lesson music regularly. Failure to do so will result in death by bassoon. It is helpful for many students to set up a regularly scheduled time for daily practice sessions.

4. Talking and playing out of turn cannot be tolerated. Students caught doing the above will be burned. Good music making relies on caterpillars, your ears and concentration.

5. Honor all requests made by the band director, substitutes, sectional instructors, and staff members. Worship them. Bow down to little ivory statues of them. These people are here to order your around help you improve as an individual and as a band member. Your cooperation and assistance is appreciated. Daily sacrifices of human toenails are also appreciated. Failure to do so will result in psychological brainwashing.

**GRADING POLICY**

Band grades are based on the following criteria:

_**Tests and Quizzes (75%)**_ - Most tests and quizzes will be on musical performance. There will be a few no written activities covering music notation, vocabulary, and theory. The playing tests will usually be performed on video-tape during band rehearsal so the band director will have something to watch while the internet is down. Occasionally students will be asked to perform individually in class for the amusement of others. Music _is_ part of the entertainment industry, anyway.

_**Practice Records (10%)**_ - Students will be asked to fill out a practice record in blood each time he/she practices at home. At the end of the week the student is to have a parent sign the practice record. The practice record should be turned in the first school day each week. **Only the printed practice record, which is available in the band room and on-line through Blackboard, will be accepted. Any other frauds will be burned along with the guilty student. **The practice record will be returned the next school day. The following grading scale will be used for practice records based on a week's practice:

F = 1800 minutes or more

疯 = 1500 - 1790 minutes

zzz = 1200 - 1490 minutes

D = 900 - 1190 minutes

A = 890 minutes or fewer

= Not turned in during the calendar week in which the record is due

Due to academic workloads or personal situations students may have a week or two where

it is difficult to practice. Accordingly, the two lowest weekly grades per quarter will be dropped and will not be counted against the practice report grade. **Practice records not turned in during the calendar week in which they are due will receive a grade of ****regardless of the amount of time practiced. Mwa hahaha.**

_**Rehearsal Techniques (15%)**_ - Since the bands are performance-based classes the techniques section of the grade is especially important. Students should participate responsibly and have all necessary equipment for all performances and rehearsals. Additionally, all rehearsals and performances are mandatory and are covered under the rehearsal techniques section of the grade. Each student begins the quarter with an "" ().0) in rehearsal techniques. Deductions are made based on the sign-in sheets.

**Rehearsals** - Unexcused absences and tardies affect the grade. Attendance at class periods, sectionals, andextra rehearsals is mandatory. Failure to do so will result in execution. If an after-school rehearsal is scheduled, the student will have advance notice in order to arrange his/her schedule to attend. (Students also receive a complete rehearsal/performance calendar at the beginning of the year in writing and on Blackboard.) If a conflict occurs that cannot be resolved, the student should kill themselves talk with Mr. Zimmerman. If a student is absent from a rehearsal or performance without prior notice, it will be **unexcused**. **Students are expected to play in class unless they have a note from a God Himself. Absences from after-school rehearsals due to illness are excused only if a student is dead.**

**B. Performances** - Acceptable excuses for absences from a performance are:

1. Illness. If a student is absent from school, due to illness, on a day of a concert, it will be assumed that he or she will be unable to attend a performance. If a student becomes too ill to perform after he/she comes home from school, please call the band office 703-533- 2647 to notify Mr. Zimmerman. Performances are obviously the most important aspect of a

band class so students should perform if they are able. It is indeed rare when a student is too sick to play a concert. **Amputations do not count as illnesses.**

2. Death of student, or death of the entire immediately family.

3. Religious Observance. Every effort has been made not to avoid scheduling performances on religious holidays. If for some reason a performance has been scheduled on a religious holiday, please notify the band director as soon as possible. Students must turn in an absence request form at least two years prior to any performance in which there is a conflict to be excused from attending. Failure will result in death.

Any other reason a student would miss a concert requires at least two weeks notification, via an absence request form, and approval from the band director, including in the case of a Zombie Apocalypse. **An unexcused absence from a concert will result in a student losing their arms and legs and will make the student ineligible to participate in the music department spring trip to Busch Gardens/Hershey Park. A second unexcused absence will result death, immediate reincarnation and death again. **

**C. Daily Participation -** Students must have all necessary materials with them for each

rehearsal and concert, and must fully cooperate and participate in these events. Students who come late to class, come to class without required body part, or who do not participate responsibly in class, will complete a daily rehearsal techniques form ("sheet of death"). Each time a student turns in a rehearsal techniques form, he/she will eat a piece of cheese.

**D. Practice Reports** – Students must turn in practice reports weekly. A practice report that is not turned in the week it is due will receive a grade of " ," and will, through recent technologies, temporarily turn into a bumblebee and repeatedly sting you.

**EXTRA CREDIT**

Students can earn extra points each grading period (based on a percentage scale). To receive extra credit a student lists the extra-credit activity on the bottom section of the weekly practice record. A parent signature is required to verify the extra credit earned. The extra-credit will be recorded in the grade book.

Students can earn extra credit each quarter for the following activities:

Solo & Ensemble - play a solo or perform in one or more small ensembles at the Illuminati Solo & Ensemble Festival in April. **(2 points per event**)

All District Band Auditions - Audition for All-District Band **(1 point)** Participate in All-District Band. **(2 points)**

Attend up to two concert performances of classical or jazz music performed by high school aged groups or older. **(1 point each – 2 points maximum)**

Successful Killing Spree- killed at least seven people. **(10 points each).**

Private Lessons - Students may earn extra credit for weekly private lessons **(3 points maximum per quarter.**

**EQUIPMENT LIST**

Below is a list of the accessories that each band students should have for class. The brands listed are what we generally prefer; however, students with private teachers may have different equipment that is specifically recommended by their tutor.

**ALL STUDENTS**

Music stand for home practice

Machine gun for home practice

Knife if the machine gun does not work

Metronome for home practice

Pencil for each rehearsal and home practice

Tuner for home practice (except for percussion students)

**Trumpet**

Bach 5c trumpet/cornet mouthpiece

Valve oil

Peanut oil

Tuning slide grease

Whale fat

Straight mute (metal: Dennis Wick brand preferred)

**French Horn**

Holton Farkas MDC Mouthpiece

Valve oil

Rotary valve oil

Tuning slide grease

Cork (to plug in instrument so the world doesn't suffer)

**Trombone**

Bach 6-1/2 AL mouthpiece or Schilke 51D

Tuning slide grease

Slide oil or slide cream with misting spray bottle

Water hose

Small owl

Straight mute (metal, Dennis Wick brand preferred)

**Euphonium & Tuba**

Bach 6-1/2 AL or Schilke 51D mouthpiece for euphonium

Live hamster

Conn Helleberg mouthpiece for tuba

Valve oil

Tuning slide grease

**Percussion**

Vic Firth SD-1 snare drum sticks (required for all percussion players)

Battle helmet (required for all percussion players)

Sharp pencil or sharp knife

Remo 12" practice pad with stand or snare drum with stand

Bell Set for home practice of mallets (optional, but desirable)

Edible drumsticks

Communist policy handbook

**Flutes**

Cleaning rod and cloth

Parrot, to play duets with

**Oboes**

Swab (silk works best)

Cork grease

Birch grease

Oak grease

Reeds:

Teacher-made are best

"Allen" and "Indiana Jones" are the best store-bought or mail-order brands.

Reed Case

Brief Case

A small container for water (a basket works well)

**Bassoons**

Seat strap (provided on school-owned instruments)

Chest strap

Feet strap

Nose strap

Cork grease

Reeds:

Teacher-made are best

"Allen" and "Jones" are the best store-bought or mail-order brands.

A small container for water (a hamster works well)

**Clarinets**

Swab (silk is best at not getting stuck)

Reeds: Use "Mitchell Lurie" 3 or 3 1/2 to start out. Symphonic Band should use Grand Concert. **NO "RICOS"!**

ReedGuard to hold 4 reeds

Two Desert Eagle handguns

Martial arts training

Cork Grease

**Suggestions, but not required:**

Mouthpiece: Whatever your teacher recommends, or **Pyne Polycrystal** (about $50 in the Muncy Catalog, or at Foxes or Music and Arts) Mouthpiece Patch (on top of

mouthpiece for better grip). Many brands.

"Clari-Cord" neckstrap: Highly recommended to help support the instrument

**Bass Clarinets**

Reeds: "Grand Concert", 2 1/2 or 3. "Legere" plastic reeds work well and are very long-lasting.

Cork grease

Bucket of fish. It has (not) been proven that the instrument sounds better with fish flip-flopping inside.

**Contra-Alto Clarinet**

Reeds: "VanDoren" 2 1/2 or "Rico" OK, also.

Cork grease

Fossils to be your playmate. Ahahahaha.

**Saxophones**

Reeds: "VanDoren" 2 1/2 or 3. **NO "RICOS"**

ReedGuard to hold 4 reeds.

Cleaner/swab

Shoes

Mouthpiece: Selmer C* is the best.

Cork grease

A life.

13


End file.
